today is the first day of the rest of my life

I leave BSF every Wednesday morning ready to change the world for Christ. But by the time the weekend is here, the zeal is dulled and I am struggling to keep it together and not bark at the kids. I’m SO tired of that. Tired of forgetting and of letting other things distract me.

I remember someone’s wise observation: “You will do what you tolerate.”

She was talking about some parenting thing—as in, you will allow your kids to behave a certain way, eat certain things, wear certain clothes, whatever, up until your “breaking point.” Once you no longer tolerate “it” then you will DO something about it. But as long as you tolerate it, then you’re not moved to make a change.

I think that applies to many areas of my life—some more serious than others—my weight, the state of my desk, the condition of my toenail polish, my relationship with each of my kids, the level of romance in my marriage, the upkeep of my flowerbeds. Once something’s condition is intolerable, THEN I will do something.

Lately, I see that principle play out in my pursuit of God, in understanding His will and purpose for my life, in being obedient to what I am learning. I have been chasing this for MONTHS. Why do I feel like it gets further and further away?

I sat in the lecture, moved to go out and make a difference for Christ, to trust Him to equip me and stretch me, and then I thought about my home life—what I show my kids and how I treat my husband and how I manage my home. I do not want to appear put together and capable to change the world when I am neglecting what is closest to me.

I think I’ve spoken up about feeling like I’m failing and gotten some encouragement and even mild rebuking—which really is enabling. Someone, without knowing what the Holy Spirit is doing in my spirit, is telling me it’s okay that I don’t read the Bible more, or spend too much time on Facebook, or waste money on Starbucks, or idolize sleep, or disrespect authority, or am selfish with all the blessings that God has entrusted to me.

He is working on things in me, and I am not going to confer with anyone about what I will surrender to God. I also realize that I am not going to look past the huge log in my eye and tell someone that I recognize a struggle when I spot the speck in their eye. Yes, God is equipping me as He deals with me, but I also have to let Him tell me when to gently and lovingly speak truth into someone’s life.

So for now, I can change the world for Christ by being a more authentic Christian—letting all that teaching flow out of my life and bless those closest to me…that’s not the goal, but the beginning.